If You See Me Smiling......

Thought I was smiling.....

I have a confession to make.  Some of you won’t be surprised by this confession, some of you may be shocked.  But, the cold, hard truth is:  I don’t always smile.  At least not effortlessly, or randomly, or even on cue, the way some people are able to.  It’s not that I’m an UNhappy person, although dear hubby would sometimes disagree.  And it’s not that I don’t WANT to smile.  I AM happy, and I DO smile often, and when I do choose to smile, it’s REAL.  It’s just that I’m not naturally one of those blissfully, joyful, grinning weirdos who bounce around smiling ALL the time.  You know who I’m talking about, those people whose brains are full of rainbows, lollipops, unicorns, and puppy dogs, all bursting to get out.

Fake Smile

But there’s more.  I have to come clean on something else.  When someone finds me sitting somewhere, seemingly emotionless, bland-faced and yet, contentedly minding my own business, and flippantly instructs me to “Smile!”, I want to smack them in the face.  With a board.  (Now, that might make me smile!)  Listen up folks: For those of us who are not “natural smilers” – telling us to smile is only going to accomplish the opposite.  Unless we happen to like you, and then we may or may not choose to humor you with a fake, emotionless smile.    

My "resting" face.  Natural.

I don’t know why, but my “resting” or “natural” face has always been rather serious, stoic, and devoid of emotion.  The funny thing is, I am rarely aware of it until someone points it out. I know part of my problem is that many times I honestly THINK I’m smiling when I’m not. I feel the joy in my heart, the delight in my brain, and the humor in my soul, and so I take for granted that it’s also showing in my face.  But it seems the signals from those neurons and synapses upstairs don’t always make it down the chute to my mouth, ready to go to work pulling up the corners of my lips.

I thought I was smiling BIG here!

I hereby admit and acknowledge my smiling dysfunction, and even submit that I have tried to reprogram myself.  About four years ago, I got a new laptop with a built-in camera, so I used it to take some pictures of myself.  It was shortly after my brain surgery, and I wanted to know what I REALLY looked like, and if I still looked "normal."  So, I took a whole bunch of  “selfies," doing a nice smile in each picture I took.  Ironically, I not only smiled, I literally laughed out loud, but not until I went through them later.  My “smile face” looked like someone had put dog poop in my Cheerios and I had a mouthful!  So, I took a bunch more pics, and really studied when I “thought” I was smiling, and figuring out how much harder I had to work to actually “be” smiling.  It was an eye-opening experiment.

And so I've spent the last 4 years teaching myself how to not only feel the smile, but to “smile” the smile.  I still have to practice sometimes, and I still don't always remember to do it.  But, I just thought I should tell you.  Just so you’ll know.  In case you see me walking around the village, just smiling and bouncing along with lollipops, puppy dogs, unicorns, and rainbows falling out of my head…….

The Real Deal!