So, a few nights ago I was flipping through the tv channels when I got sucked into a reality show. I won’t name it, but it consists
of a “celebrity trainer” – let’s just call him “Jackass Trainer” - who shames, manipulates,
and psychologically pummels the participants of the show into losing massive
amounts of weight in just 365 days to “makeover” their bodies.
I usually hate these types of shows, but I be lying if I
said this particular episode didn’t reach out and grab me right by my cold, hard
as steel heartstrings, and reel me right in.
Damn it.
The story began with a pair of twenty-something twin brothers.
Years before, while still just barely teenagers themselves, they had taken over
the care of their younger siblings when their mother went to prison and their
father walked out on them without a word.
Somehow, against all odds, these two young boys picked up
the pieces and managed to finish raising themselves and their siblings all on
their own. They finished their own schooling, worked odd jobs, paid the bills, and
kept their family together without the support of either parent, or any other
adult for that matter.
Well into young adulthood now, the boys realized they had taken
care of everyone else for years, but had neglected to care for themselves. The
twins were nearing 400 pounds each, and they were desperate to lose weight.
Enter aforementioned Jackass trainer and his camera crew,
stage right.
As the show progressed, it showed the twins as they worked
out fanatically, changed their eating habits, and supported each other. In the
first few months, they trained hard, had some real success, and were happy with
their initial weight loss results.
So far, so good, right? Heartwarming even. But,…
You knew there had to be a “but”….
Soon, as it often does, months into their journey, the weight
loss started to stall. Sigh…
This is where “genius” Jackass Trainer concluded that finding
the father who walked out on them, and confronting him for abandoning them, was
the ONLY way for them to get “closure” on their issues and move forward with
their weight loss.
Because, well, you know, Jackass Trainer is a psychologist
too, right?
The next scene shows the boys and Jackass Trainer in a car.
Mr. Jackass goes on to surprise them with the news that the producers had found
their father, and revealed he was taking the twins to meet with their deadbeat
dad at that very moment. (Who didn’t see that coming?)
The twins, now grown men, cried in the car as they prepared
to meet the man who had left them to their own resources before they were men
themselves. And they weren’t ready to meet him.
Because even after acknowledging all the good they’d
accomplished in raising their family, they stated they still felt “not good
enough” to confront their absentee father, or to let him know what a piece of
shit he was, because even after all they had accomplished, their bodies were
still “imperfect.”
They wanted to wait be perfect on the OUTSIDE before they
revealed to him the beauty, strength, character, and courage they had obviously
already had on the inside.
Out of everything on the show, this is the thing I could
identify with. The thing that felt so oh, very very real. Feeling unable to
move on with their life or feel good about themselves, because their bodies
weren’t perfect. They were doing great things, they were strong, they were
healthy. But they didn’t feel perfect. I felt their pain.
And it broke my cold, almost dead, life-hardened heart.
The next clip showed the twins meeting with their father, telling
him how much he hurt them by leaving them all alone. The father saying many
times how terribly sorry he was, saying he had always loved them, and that he
needed them in his life.
At this point, the voices in my head started speaking up, “WHY
DOES HE NEED THEM IN HIS LIFE NOW, BUT NOT BEFORE??!! HOW CAN HE SAY HE LOVES
THEM YET HE ABANDONED THEM??!!” But nobody asked the questions. At least not on
the show.
The twins cried some more, and deadbeat dad swore he would
make up for his mistakes - if only they would let him. And boom, just like
that, he was welcomed back into their lives. And the young men went on to lose
a metric shit ton of weight, perfected their bodies, and lived happily ever
after. The end.
It’s all so very fucking touching, isn’t it? (Insert
dripping sarcasm here….)
My fur-kids Kitti and Bunni, who were sleeping peacefully
next to me on the sofa, looked at me in alarm when I suddenly exclaimed,
“THAT’S JUST FUCKING BULLSHIT!”
Please, excuse me while I wipe the venom off my screen…
While I know it makes for good ratings, this emotional
little scene of remorse and forgiveness, and the staged reunion, just makes me
want to vomit. What bullshit.
Why, you may ask? It’s such a happy ending for everyone,
isn’t it? They all got their shit together didn’t they? And everything was
perfect! Why isn’t that fantastic?
Because it’s all just highly scripted, emotionally manipulative
horseshit, intended to give viewers that “everything always works out great in
the end” vibe. They tie it all up with a nice little bow in less than an hour.
Because I’m here to tell you, it just doesn’t work this way in
real life.
How do I know this? Well, I’ve had more than one person do
something truly awful to me in my life. And I know all too well the fantasy of
confronting and telling off those assholes, and wishing that in doing so it
would make everything in my life all better.
Listen… I know we all want to believe there will be a point in
this fantasy confrontation at which our wrong-doer will dramatically fall to
their knees, wail and cry, profess their remorse, and beg for forgiveness -- just
like on the show.
We think that after this confrontation, we can finally have
the perfect life, perfect body, perfect whatever.
I know because I’ve thought about exactly the same scenario
my entire life.
But here’s the thing…
In real life, the situation rarely plays out as well as this
short and sweet moment did on screen. Not only was this interaction poorly
scripted, uncomfortably stilted, and overly dramatic, it’s surely only a tiny
portion of the entire conversation, which I am certain was NOT so pleasant.
Look, I get the whole “waiting for my body to be perfect
before I do things” storyline. I really do. Believe me, I’ve been striving and
yearning for that perfect body and perfect life for decades myself.
But what I’m calling bullshit on is the perpetuation of the fantasy
that confrontation of past wrongs will equal closure, which in turn will lead
to the perfect body, the perfect life, the perfect whatever.
Scenes like these, with all the ugly parts edited out, lead
people to believe that if they only confront the person(s) who wronged them in
the past, all their struggles will be over. They will get everything they want
or need, become magically thin, beautiful and rich, and live happily ever
after.
And, oh yeah, have a “perfect” life.
I can say from experience is, this isn’t how it works,
people. This is rarely ever how any of these scenes play out in real life.
“Closure” is rarely, if ever, the magic bullet that leads to
a perfect life.
I know because I’ve been there, done that. A confrontation
doesn’t always lead to an admission of guilt or an apology. Sometimes the
apology is blatantly insincere. Sometimes the wrongdoer refuses to admit fault.
Sometimes the wrongdoer turns the tables and makes
themselves out to be the victim, leaving the wounded one feeling even more raw
than before. Sometimes the evildoer is never found.
And sometimes, the evildoer simply up and dies before the wounded
one gathers the strength and courage to confront the bastard.
And then, you just gotta figure out how to live with that, walk
on, and live your imperfect life anyway. Fat and broke and imperfect.
So you see, I don’t believe those two young men had to
confront their deadbeat dad in order to lose the weight and move on with their
lives. It’s great that they did, and if that’s what they wanted, I sincerely hope
it made them feel better.
But they had already proven to be responsible, brave, and
courageous men by gallantly stepping up to the plate when every other adult had
failed them.
They didn’t need their dad back in their life to lose
weight. They had nothing left to prove. They already had the ability to do
whatever they wanted, including losing massive amounts of weight, inside of
them all along.
They didn’t need their deadbeat dad’s remorse, love, or even
a belated relationship with him, to lose the weight or to be “perfect.” Having
him in their life again was never the magic bullet that made it all better.
Just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, their strength, and
their victory, and their perfect life, was already there the whole time, they
just couldn’t see it.
It’s in me, and it’s in you too.
And that’s no bullshit.
