Can My Village Help Me Slay My BIGGEST Fear?

The first thing I did last Friday was set out to slay my fear-monsters. I was determined to do so after vowing in my post on Thursday to hunt my fears down and finish them off once and for all.  I even went to the office and got right to work…..  Well, ok, not really the “office” but the beach bar where I do my best work. But later that day, lucky me--I got the stomach flu that’s been going around.

Instead of the dragon breathing fire, it was me, and what was coming out of my mouth for three days wasn’t fire, but something that closely resembled a scene from the Exorcist. And it was my other end that was breathing fire! After finally regaining upright mobility and a tiny appetite by Monday, I didn’t have much energy left for anything else. Finally, well-rested, head cleared, body fully cleansed, and back to as “normal” as I can be, I'm back in the saddle.

But the whole time I was sick, all I could think about was a plan that was forming to slay one of my really big fears. Because today I’m announcing something BIG! Something I'm terrified to share. I have a project I’ve been thinking about doing for a while, something I saw someone else have great success with, and I’ve decided to do it also. It's something REALLY BIG, something very personal to me, and then, I’m going do something that is even more…BIG. And completely insane.

First things first: The first Big Thing that I’m announcing is ME. Yes, you read that right, I’m the Big Thing. But when I say big, I don’t mean I’m BIG in a good way.

I mean I am BIG--in the “goddamn I'm a BIG, FAT, FUCKING COW” kind of way. And even though I lost almost 20 pounds (then gained back ten) since moving to Belize, I’m still at LEAST 40-50 pounds over what I feel is my acceptable weight range. Yep. It’s true. I’m a big, fat, fucking cow. A short, round, fat, fucking cow.

I haven’t always been a Big Girl. But while recovering from my brain surgery, my battle with my weight finally spiraled completely out of control. Though my brain quickly returned to its previous condition for the most part, the rest of my body did not and I have not been able to shed the 40-odd pounds that crept on after my recovery. It has become a BIG issue for me, both mentally and physically. Literally. Which leads me to the second, truly INSANE part of my announcement.

I’m going to share my journey to finding a healthier weight and lifestyle with you. All of it. I’m starting a new project called “New Day, New Life, New Dawn.” I promise it will take you no more than a few minutes at most to read each post. It’s going to be different from this blog, more visual, less verbal, and most importantly, BRUTALLY honest.  You can find it my first post here:  http://newdaynewlifenewdawn.blogspot.com/2014/03/in-search-of-new-dawn-brutal-honest.html

And it is there that I’m hoping to overcome my biggest fear, my fear that the world would realize how BIG I've really become. And then I'm hoping to find the courage to bare it all. And I do mean bare it ALL. Which is the truly insane part.

Well, ok ALMOST all--I won’t be exposing my naughty bits. But yes, I will be blunt and honest about my weight and what I choose to eat and how I choose to exercise. There will be pictures of my BIG, FAT, UGLY body. Maybe not the first day. Or the second. But as I learn to face my fears and overcome my struggle to return to a normal, healthy weight, you will see “before” and “after” pictures of me. In swimsuits. Because I live in the Caribbean and that’s just how I want to roll —in a swimsuit that I actually fit into and look good in.

But it’s not about being able to rock a sexy swimsuit, although that’d be cool too. It’s about me finding a way to be healthy and happy with my body again. What that process may involve, well, I’m not really sure yet but I do know I'll need help. I’m certainly not a diet or fitness expert, even though I’ve tried quite a few things over the years. And I’m hoping you, my wonderful friends, family, and online community will support me on my journey, and help me publicly slay my fear of revealing just how BIG I've really become, and conquer the dragon of BIGNESS that has resided in my body for far too much time.

There’s a saying that’s repeated by everyone who lives here in Placencia Village at some point or another, an old African proverb that states, “It Takes a Village.” I was reminded of how appropriate the old cliché still is when I sat down to write today, because that’s what I’m gonna need. A whole village of support. I hope you’ll check out my new page from time to time and help support me in my quest.

In the meantime, my dragon-slaying knife and I are off to battle the fear-monsters. Please check out my new project and let me know how insane I really am.

http://newdaynewlifenewdawn.blogspot.com/2014/03/in-search-of-new-dawn-brutal-honest.html