That's What Writers Do, Honey, They Write Books

A couple days ago, I was chatting with dear hubby about another month-long writing challenge I’m participating in as part of my journey to develop my skills as a writer. I mentioned to him that I’m using some of what I’ve learned to make progress on a book I started a few months ago. Suddenly alert, he sat straight up and stopped me in mid-sentence, eyes huge and surprised, and asked, “You’re writing a BOOK?!”  I stammered, “Um. Yeah. I’m a writer now; remember when I timidly announced that to the world a few months ago? That’s what writers do, honey, they write books.”

Several days later, I’m still not sure if his surprise was at the idea I was actually writing a book, and that I have the ability to write more than just random thoughts in a “frivolous blog.” Was he shocked I am writing A REAL BOOK, meaning something of “substance." Was the thought that I could string the overabundance of words in my head into coherent sentences, paragraphs, chapters, and eventually an actual book, more than he could fathom? I didn’t ask--because I don't think I want to know the answer.

At any rate, he proceeded to tell me he was proud of me for finding the courage to pursue my long-held, semi-secret dream to write a book. And even though he’s going to be embarrassed that I’m “outing” him as a sensitive guy, he was so supportive, proud, and impressed that he even got a little teary-eyed as we talked about my intention to write a book. It was a precious moment of validation and encouragement for me, and I’ll always cherish it. Soon afterwards, he headed inside to get a shower and I sat on the deck to watch the beautiful Belizean sunset. And then I thought about it a little more.

And then I got a little pissed.

Because I know damn well I had told him (more than once) I had started writing a book! And I KNOW I’ve mentioned it in my blog at least once or twice, which he insists he reads loyally. So, if he had actually been listening to me when we’d had this chat previously, OR if he’d been actually reading my blog as he swears he does, he should have already known that little tidbit of information!

That begs the question then, is he NOT listening to me when we talk? He usually holds up his end of the conversation, so I thought he was paying attention. Or, is he not actually reading my blog? Which means he’s fibbing about reading it for some reason? Maybe both? Or is there something darker and more sinister at play here?  I’m not sure, but whatever the answers to those questions are, it seems the idea that I’m writing a book, a REAL book and not “just a blog,” hadn’t registered in his brain until that moment.

I was angry and my feelings were hurt because I was positive I had told him before. I had been scared to say it out loud, even to the person I love most, but I said it anyway. I had already bared my deepest fear of ridicule and rejection by revealing to him my secret plan to write a book. And he hadn’t even taken notice. He hadn’t paid one bit of attention. He may have been listening--but he hadn’t HEARD what I said.

I never told dear hubby about my hurt feelings. I just tucked them deep inside my heart with the rest of the emotions I hide there on a regular basis. What I also didn’t tell him is that I’m actually working on writing TWO books right now. One is fun and entertaining, and one is a dark and emotional journey of survival in a cold, hard world. They are as different as night and day from each other, and each is cathartic to write in its own way. But I didn’t tell him any of that because I was afraid he wouldn’t listen, or rather - he wouldn’t hear.

And my writer's confidence is still too fragile to make myself vulnerable to not being heard a second time.

Sometimes all a person wants is for someone to care enough to HEAR what they have to say. Please, take a moment to think about that the next time you are having a conversation with someone who matters to you. Put down your multi-tasking devices, your phone, computers, tablets, and turn off the tv, whatever it takes. Take the time to listen to that someone with an open mind and an attentive heart. And make an effort to really HEAR what they’re saying. Because it might be incredibly important to them. They may be telling you their deepest, darkest secrets, their dreams and desires.

 And they might not have the courage to tell you a second time.