Don't Let It End Like This, Tell Them I Said Something.

A few of you have noticed that I haven’t been blogging for the last couple of weeks. I’m making up for it by having a WHOLE LOT to say today, and probably tomorrow too. I have some valid explanations for my absence, but I’m not going to list them all out for you, because in the scheme of things the excuses don’t matter. I know I have let YOU down, my friends and readers, my supporters, and my blogging community, by completely bailing out and dropping out of sight without a word for almost three weeks.

In the end, though, it’s really not quite as simple as that. I haven’t stopped writing altogether and I have produced many pieces in the last few weeks, even during the holiday craziness, and in spite of gaining a 19-year-old “son” during the last month. (Damn, kids and holidays together are a LOT of work!) But I spent days upon days revisiting and rewriting almost every piece I wrote and still couldn’t bring myself to post a single one. And yesterday I sent every single thing I’ve written in the last few weeks to the trash bin. Why? Because it was all crap.

What was wrong with it?! What made it crap? The answer is nothing. And yet, everything. The posts were all readable enough, in the technical aspects at least, and maybe even slightly entertaining or interesting. I met a reader in person for the first time yesterday and we were discussing this. I told her a little about something I had written and deleted. She said to me, “but maybe somebody would have enjoyed it!?” And a few might have. But every time I proofed what I had written, it just didn’t feel right. I desperately WANTED to write something--anything--and tried many times. But the harder I tried, the more I failed. The words just wouldn’t come to me easily or naturally the way they usually do. All I could produce was “fluff”—lame, uninspiring, and boring.

After spending some time analyzing my work, I realized that none of what I produced felt true to myself or moved me in any real way. I wasn’t FEELING it, and it wasn’t feeling ME. I wasn’t writing about anything that I truly cared about or was excited about, and the evidence was in the lackluster results. My efforts clearly showed that I still haven’t found anything I’m very passionate about writing about. It was also obvious I wasn’t writing the way I would normally express myself, and that I had become too conscious of the possible critics. Consequently, I wasn’t writing in my “true” voice. I was censoring myself, and in trying so hard to please everyone else and be proper, I was hurting my own creativity.

I had thought it would be enough to just keep writing about something (anything), and that continuing to blog about my trivial day-to-day life experiences and my attempts at becoming a writer would help my passion just magically find me. But that hasn’t been the case. It’s obvious that I still need to do some work to find that “thing” that evokes such fiery emotion for me that I can’t NOT write about. I don’t know if any of you can identify with how frustrating and heartbreaking it is to feel you are wandering through life with no real passion for anything. It sucks.

Being unable to find even just ONE thing that really stirs my soul--something that makes me feel ALIVE!--leaves me feeling like a failure, like a sinking ship full of boring, meaningless words.  And I’m a woman overboard, arms waving over my head, screaming “Hey I’m over here!” to the empty vastness of the ocean. I’m drowning in all the possibilities spilling out of the ship, but unable to grasp one “thing” to cling to. I can't quite reach the thing that will keep my head above water and help me to survive. But I'm still swimming. For now.

My friends and family give me shit for saying this, but—here’s the thing: I truly believe I survived my brain aneurysm four years ago because I still have some purpose left on this earth, something amazing left to accomplish during this existence. I just don’t know what that thing is yet but I do know it has to do with my writing. What I also know is, I want to write about something that matters, something earth-shattering, something that changes peoples lives--SOMETHING EPIC! So why can’t I find that something to begin with—ANYTHING—that I’m passionate about? I’m spending a lot of time right now researching that too, and I’ll let you know what I find out.

In the meantime, I have been returning over and over again to a quote I saw recently that really struck a nerve with me. I have seen it attributed to both Pancho Villa, the Mexican revolutionary, and a character in the book “Don Quixote” (which I should mention I’ve never read but would like to) and it goes like this:
“DON’T LET IT END LIKE THIS. TELL THEM I SAID SOMETHING”

I’m not exactly sure why, but I can’t get that quote out of my head. What I can say is, I promise I won’t let it end like THIS. I may not be able to blog every single day, but I am going to keep swimming in this ocean of words. I will continue the process and write about it regularly until I find my “thing.” And then, I will write about my “thing!” I promise you that someday, you won’t have to tell “them” I said something--I will have said it myself. And I will keep on trying to say something--anything, everything--until the day I draw my last breath.