What if I told you... TODAY?

What if I told you – today?  What if I told you something I should have told you - or someone - ANYONE - for that matter, a long time ago? 

What if I told you - today... that I have been sexually assaulted and sexually molested by both men and boys in my life, some who were close to me, and some whom I didn't not know at all. Many times. 

And I never told you. Until today.

What if I told you – today…that I was 31 years old before I told ANYONE that anything had ever happened at all?  

And that it was dismissed. As if what happened to me MEANT NOTHING AT ALL.

What if I told you - today… that it’s only been in the last few years I have told a few people, a very small handful of my nearest and dearest, what I just told YOU?

I can still count on just my two hands the number of people who know (a very little bit) about what happened to me. And I’d still have fingers left over.

Well, that is… until a moment ago. Now, everyone knows.

So…what if I told you – today - what I just told you? What I just told everyone?

Of course there’s more I haven’t shared with you...

What if I told you – today… that my earliest childhood memory is of being sexually molested? What if I told you… it happened more than once? 

What if I told you it happened more times than I can count?

What if I told you I was molested by someone you (thought) you knew? What if I told you I was abused by more than one “someone” you (thought) you knew?

What if I told you I was ALSO molested by someone you didn’t know, someone I didn’t know either? Someone else's "someone."

What if I told you I was sexually molested as a toddler and as a young girl, by a number of men- not boys, but MEN - until I was finally old enough to understand that it wasn’t normal or okay, and was able to actually - amazingly - put it stop to it.

But of course, there’s still more…

What if I told you…. I was forced to have sexual intercourse against my will for the first time at the age of 14 at a party with my friends with a boy I barely knew, and today I can’t honestly remember his name?  

What if I told you I was actually RAPED?

Yes, I said that forbidden word – RAPE - because isn’t being forced to have sexual intercourse against your will the very definition of RAPE?

What if I told you I was unable to stop the RAPE because I’d been drinking? Yes, I was 14 years old. Yes, I was at a party I probably shouldn’t have been at. Yes, I was with a boy (and other friends) drinking. Yes, I was a moronic 14-year-old girl.

Does that mean I didn’t say NO? Does that mean I didn’t try to fight him off? Does that mean I wanted to be raped simply because I was physically unable to stop it?

Does that mean it wasn’t RAPE?

I never told you before today. Since I’m now 51 years old, that means I was raped 37 years ago. But I never told you…    

Actually…. I never told anyone.  Not One… Single… Person… 

that I was RAPED at a party, in a ditch, beside a random country road, at the age of 14. 

Until today...

Does that mean it didn’t happen because I didn’t tell you? Does that mean that I wasn’t forced to have sex with someone against my will at the age of 14 in the filthy ditch of a country road?

Is that painful scene seared into my memory banks actually just a false story, something I just made up? Just because I didn’t tell anyone then?

It didn’t happen yesterday. It didn’t happen last month. It didn’t happen last year. I was RAPED 37 years ago… and I never told you.

So…what if I told you – TODAY?

You see, I’ve told very few people in my life that I was sexually molested as a child and young girl.

And I’ve told no one the full extent of what actually happened to me as a child, and then a young girl, at the hands of both men and boys.

And I’ve never told anyone - NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON –that I was raped at 14. But I'm telling you today. 

So what if I told you - what I've told you - TODAY?

Would you - do you - believe me? Or does it mean it didn’t happen because I never told you?

Would you deny me my truth just because I haven’t told you before today?

Would you denounce me because I haven’t broadcasted it for all the world to judge prior to this moment? Would you look at me in a new, or different light? Would it change your perspective of me? 

Would you believe me? And why do I care? 

Because now that I’ve told you, I want you to think about your reaction and your response to what I have said… very, very carefully.  

I’m guessing that there will be many of my friends and family who will have strong reactions to what I have just told the entire world. I’m sure there will be many questions, doubts, and suspicions about what I have just said.

What if I told you I don’t care what judgement they may pass. 

I tell you my story now, though, because I want you to think about the experiences that other women are now sharing. 

Experiences that the women you love haven't shared with you, even though they happened 10, 20, 30 or more years ago. And emotions and pain that is triggered by these long-hidden stories. 

Because it’s time that the stories are told. My stories, your stories. The stories of all women who have been sexually assaulted or molested. They matter. Their stories need to be told. They should have been shared long ago.

I’ve waited too many years to tell mine already. 

Maybe you ask, why didn't I tell anyone before now? Well that's a story for another day. 

But I can tell you it would have ripped to tiny pieces the very tenuous and delicate hold I had on any semblance of "normal" life. My world would have come unhinged. And I, along with it.

At any rate, I can't make a difference for me today. But perhaps telling my story today will make a difference in how someone else's story is received tomorrow.  

And that is why I’m willing to be one of the first to start sharing my experiences. I've shared my story, right here, with YOU, today. I hope it will help just one woman have the courage to share hers.

So….what if I told you – TODAY? Would you believe me? 

What if SHE told you - TODAY? Would you believe her? 

I would. I most certainly would.