Shit I Made Up - One Pot Pasta - A Party For Your Tummy!

For those of you who read along before I got disillusioned about writing and abandoned this blog, hold onto your hats, I'm changing things up. Yes, again. 

For those of you who don't know me…. brace yourselves. 

You see, I've talked about writing a book about the way I'm learning how to cook. And I've talked about how comical it is that I waited to learn to cook until moving to Belize a few years ago, at the admittedly advanced age of 45.

And yes, I've written parts of the book. And parts of the stories. And parts of the recipes. And I've talked about it in vague terms to several friends who ask what I've been up to. But I haven't let anyone see any of it. 

Til now. 

You, dear reader, are now and in the future officially privileged to be my test kitchen for the anecdotal "cookbook" I'm writing. 

Ok, so it's really more like a hysterical guide to "how to make shit up in the kitchen when you don't even know WHAT the stuff is you're cooking with" -- than a real cookbook. Hence, the title of this anti-cookbook-guide, which will be entitled, "Shit I Made Up." Cuz it mostly is.

Ok, and yes, it's also a sly reference to my dear hubby, who happens to be a fantastic master plumber. And yes, he really does know his shit, unlike me in the kitchen.  

Fair warning for the newbies - in case you haven't noticed, I swear. Sometimes, a lot. It's who I am and it's damn sure a huge part of my attempts at learning to cook. I make no apologies.

So, without further delay, here it is, the first "recipe" I've decided will be included my future "Shit I Made Up" learning-to-cook-book. This “One-Pot Pasta” is a tasty and filling hodgepodge of goodness I made when friends were passing similar recipes around on social media. 

It’s a dish that can stand alone, but also plays well with others as a side dish. I have made it many times so I know it holds up well to substitutions, omissions, and just throwing shit in on the fly. And you can do the same.

The best part of this little "pasta-fiesta for your tummy" is that it’s all made in one pot. Minimal effort. And thank fucking god for that. Seriously. When it’s 100 degrees with 98% humidity in Belize, and you have no air conditioning, who the hell wants to spend hours cooking, and more hours cleaning up tons of pots and pans along the way? Not this bitchy, menopausal, hot mess of a wife.

I don’t want to have to wash any more dishes than necessary. Hey – don’t judge. I don’t have kids, slaves, or trained monkeys to help out. And those tiny little bed-hogging, four-legged soul suckers in fur coats I have lounging around my house all day, they won't lift a furry toe to help... unless it's to lick up some food I inevitably spill on the floor. 

Have you ever stood at the sink with sweat burning your eyes while you’re trying to wash dishes? Then you wipe it away with a soapy hand and now you’ve got both sweat AND dish soap in your eye? And it's always the soap advertising "Extra Bleach!" Yeah. Not my idea of fun. Probably not yours either. So just stick to cooking easy stuff like I do. You'll thank me later.

I guess this serves about four people, depending on how hungry y’all are. And whether your plumber likes shit you make up, and will eat leftovers. My plumber will eat anything and loves leftovers. Personally, I won't touch leftovers. Ever.

At any rate, here’s what ya need, followed by the “how to” for making this shit up. 

4        Large boneless, skinless chicken breasts (optional-see "how to")

1        Large onion – I like white onions, but use whatever kind of onions you like best. Onions are onions.

3-4   Cloves garlic, diced up. Or, just use garlic powder instead. It's like magic. I use that shit all the time.

4-6    Tablespoons of olive oil or more – enough to sauté the onion and garlic. I like a lot of oil. Some people don’t. Do whatever the fuck you want – it’s not gonna make or break this pot of shit you’re making. This is a party for your tummy. Feel free to go wild!   

2         Cups or so of chicken broth, white (or blush) wine, or even just water. Use whatever liquid you have on hand. Seriously. You can even use pink kool-aid. I won’t tell. Oh, and you’ll need another 2 or 3 cups of warm water later.

2       15 oz cans of diced tomatoes. Of course, you can cut your own fresh tomatoes up, but who wants to fuck with all that shit. Tiny little seeds and tomato juice all over your counter. Jeezus Pleezus - what a mess. But hey, it’s your kitchen.

2        4 oz cans of Salsa Casera (or any kind of pre made salsa). I use Salsa Casera on everything, and it's cheap. I'll never make anything I can buy cheaply. If you’re feeling ambitious, feel free to make your own damn salsa and use it. Or, be lazy like me, and just buy cheap salsa. It’s all good. No one will know. Or care.

1       4-6 oz can tomato paste – or more, but only if you want your “sauce” to be a little thicker. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. I’m kinda funky that way.

1       16 oz package linguine. And if you want to use some other fancy-schmancy kind of special pasta, by all means, get DOWN with your bad self! I just prefer linguine and we can almost always get it. But I have heard of people using bowties, macaroni, or just plain old spaghetti. Truth is, this tastes so good, the type of pasta you use really doesn’t matter. So, just make this shit up with whatever you have handy. That's what it's all about. 

1         Large handful fresh basil leaves, cut roughly. We hardly ever get fresh basil here in our village, so I often use a gigantic handful of spinach leaves instead. Tastes good either way. If you’re a kale lover, try kale. Who knows? You might have the next superstar-award-winning recipe! Me, I’d rather die than eat kale.

Finally, the good stuff! How To Make This Shit Up:

First, get your self a good sized spaghetti sized pot, one like you make soup in. I think they call those stock pots, but I don’t really know. But any good sized, deep pot will work. Put it over about medium heat. Don’t ask me what temperature that is - on my stove knobs it's a "5" - so just turn your damn stove knob to roughly “the middle.” 

Put your olive oil in the bottom of the pan, and throw in your diced up onion and garlic- that is, if you’re not too fucking lazy like I sometimes am to cut all that shit up. (*You can use onion and garlic powder if you want, I do it all the time. If so, add that in later with the other seasonings instead of here.)

Saute the onion and garlic until it’s soft, a couple minutes. This will smell so goddamn good. But don’t spoon too much of that good shit into your big fat mouth, or they’ll be none left for the main dish. Once soft, toss your 2 cups of broth, koolaid, wine, or other liquid into the pot. If you are using the boneless chicken boobs, this is where you want to throw them into the pot too. Did I mention this dish is tasty with or without the chicken boobs?

By the way, if you care to know, we don’t even get truly "boneless, skinless" chicken boobs in our village. They come frozen, and yeah, they say “boneless” on the package. But I have YET to get one that didn’t include some kind of bone or disgusting, gristly shoulder joint or something. And feathers. Always at least one feather. Oh, and they are never skinless. 

Photo Credit: Debbie Simorte

Dis-GUST-ing. Before living in Belize, I wouldn’t touch a piece of raw chicken meat with my hands. Now I wrestle that nasty, slimy skin off those chicken boobs and pluck feathers like a badass. I've really progressed so much in three years. I also boil that shit up to feed my little four-legged soul-suckers. They love that crap. But, I digress. Sorry.

So, add your two cups of liquid, and if you’re including chicken boobs lower your temp a little bit or the boobs will get tough. And nobody likes tough boobs. On my stove knobs, that’s about “3”. Let the boobs simmer in the onion, garlic and liquid for a while. Turn once or twice while simmering, but only simmer until they are about ½ to ¾ cooked through, maybe 10 minutes, because they'll continue to cook along with the rest of the shit you're gonna toss in.  

Then it’s time to really get the party started! Dump in your canned tomatoes and juice, the Salsa Casera, the tomato paste, and the linguine. You’ll also want to add about 2-3 more cups of liquid or water at this point. Add any seasonings you want. You can use basil & oregano flakes, salt, pepper, or red pepper flakes, and this is where you can throw in the powdered garlic and onion if you were too lazy to cut up real ones. 

Of course, don’t forget, salt and pepper to taste. I like lots of salt and lots of spices and I like to put lots of shit in my shit --because the plumber and I love really flavorful shit. Sometimes I throw in jalepeno powder or cayenne. Who wants boring shit for dinner? But you don't have to add any spices if you don't want to. It's your party. Be boring if you want to.

Then, crank that heat up to high, on my stovetop that's "10,"  until it starts to boil. You’ll want to stir it a few times while you're waiting for it to boil so the pasta doesn't stick to itself. Once you get it to boil, stir well one more time, and cap a lid on that pot. Turn your heat back down to about 3 or 4, and then just let 'er sit. 

Check and stir every 5 minutes or so until pasta is tender, and the sauce has cooked down and thickened up. Should take about 15-20 minutes or so to finish. Right before calling everyone to the table, just drop in your roughly cut basil or spinach, stir well and serve. BOOM. Dinner is ready. All hot, and all in the same pot.

And that's it. I'd love to hear if you try this recipe and how it turns out for you. Just remember, I take no responsibility for either good or bad results, because the truth is I seriously just make this shit up as I go. 

Most of the time it turns out fairly good, but every once in a while, it's a real shitshow. I'll tell you more about THAT next time.

Now if I could just get someone to wash the pot…...